This short but shockingly accurate guide to life is sure to enlighten the most naivete.
Your education begins with this brutally honest lesson:
“As a person, it’s what’s on the inside the counts. It’s what’s on the outside that matters.”
This seemingly endless treasure trove of knowledge touches on a dozen or so topics including beauty, tall people, work, old age, money, love, and television.
Save your toddler a life of crushed dreams and disappointment, replace their coloring books with this invaluable lesson and they will thank you later. Guaranteed.
It has been just over two years since opening a Netflix account. Overall it has been an outstanding service. For the most part I have no complaints, except one small one.
After opening the account some 25 months ago I checked the Netflix Top 100 list. At the time the number one movie was Crash. The critically acclaimed Crash was released in September of 2005 to DVD.
Fast forward to May 2008 and Crash is still holding the number one spot. Having checked periodically it has never budged from the top. How is this possible? Is it that popular of a flick?
Imagine this scenario. It is mid morning and after three cups of burnt
coffee you a mid-level office drone feels the pangs of nature calling.
Off to the nearest clean restroom facitlity you go. The handicap
accessible stall is your preference because it gives you all the
lebensraum you require.
Before beginning the depanting procedure you notice a little
unfinished business from the previous occupant.
You have this not wanting to ‘cross the streams’ policy so a preflush
is needed.
One flush, two flushes, still hanging on. These low flow toilets can’t
handle anything.
A third and forth flush is required. As the forth flush valiently
attempts to dislodge a stuborn piece of toilet paper you feel
something cold hit your cheek.
Its not only cold but its wet. The toilet expelled some water high up
into the stratosphere and invaded your face.
Thank the maker that the first three flushes had purged the bowl of
all the discolored material before the horrific incident occurred.
Ethan: Jenna won’t be reviewing this movie because she only watched the last 10 minutes. She was busy doing homework or something.
This movie is about this guy (Will Smith) and his dog. He is in the Army or something and is also a scientist. He lives in New York all alone because some other scientist made some virus by mistake that killed all the people on the planet. He spends his days with his dog hunting deer in the middle of the empty streets of the city. At night he has to hide from the mutant humans. Daddy keeps calling them zombies but I have to correct him. There is a huge difference.
If I was the only person left on Earth it might be fun. I would go to the LEGO store and get all the LEGOs that I could carry. I would stay up late and if the TV still worked I would watch all my Star Wars DVDs and nobody would tell me to stop. I’d sleep on the couch and never take a shower. I’d eat only Frosted Flakes and Root Beer. Not at the same time though, that would be gross.
It might be lonely after a while so I’d like to have a couple of my cats with me. They could also warn me if any giant rats tried to attack me.
This movie was kind neat. I would recommend it to my friends since it had mutant humans.
Good news, the Rudy Giuliani Countdown to Victory Calendars are now only one dollar at your neighborhood Borders. Its not too late for you to show your stubborn refusal to give up on a dream. Of course if you wait another two weeks you might get an additional 50% off.
You usually when someone forwards you an email joke it’s usually not funny. It’s usually plagued with cutesy pictures of cats and dogs, inspirational mumbo jumbo, or corny chain emails begging you to bother others by forwarding it on.
But for whatever reason this one was very amusing to me. So much so I’ve decided to repost part of it here. The author is unknown and my sincerest apologies go out to anyone in the following photos. Behold the Best of Olan Mills Portraits with commentary.
Those glasses came free with a purchase of Brut cologne.
Thoughtful Lance. Mirthful Lance. Two sides of a delightful coin.
Keith won Bitchin’est Senior Mullet by a landslide.
That dude wore a tie for nothing.
The Purvis family made several stops along the Oregon Trail to document their six-month journey. This photo was taken just two weeks before the dysentery took Momma to Jesus.
Talk about a third wheel.
I wanted a shot like this for my wedding but she said no.
It’s called a leisure suit, ladies and germs, and if you didn’t have one in the early 70s, you were a big fat loser. Mine was teal. I wore it with a silk floral shirt and a long necklace with a football player pendant that we all got at that year’s team banquet. I was ‘the man’.
Once they had two or there how did they find time to make more?
Olan Mills backdrop #4: Bucolic Meadow with Split Rail Fence. Is that an animal carcass behind her?
A pose like this will get you kicked right out of the convention.
What better way to capture the charm and innocence of a child than to plunk him down amid the coarse trappings of a life lived in pursuit of wealth — oversized bills, an adding machine and the Wall Street Journal — and make him sit inside a briefcase? (They probably just fold up the little demon right in there to carry him home.) The finishing touch is the globe, which completes the portrait of the young Antichrist in Chess King vest and Red Goose loafers, plotting his takeover of the world (insert maniacal laugh). That is, as soon as someone changes his poopy diaper.
Bobbi isn’t the first waitress to fall for her manager, but she and Dale both got fired from Shoney’s.
Dawn and her recently exhumed sister, Gorgotha, pose with Scraps.
This photo isn’t discolored. The 70s really were that Orange.
And don’t miss the First Presbyterian Players as they perform Godspell next Wednesday night in the Fellowship Hall. Childcare will be provided. Please bring a covered dish.
Kenneth and his prom date.
You’d think Pearle Vision would throw in another two pairs for free.
Olan Mills Backdrop #11: The Library, one of their most popular themes, as seen in this photo of the young Unibomber and his wife.
So it is just another dreary winter day and I’ve only got some left
over frozen pizza for lunch. Dreadful. I needed a side dish for this stellar
meal. Where else could I go besides the vending machine?
There wasn’t much to choose and I’ve been on a Baked Lays Potato Chips
kick lately. They are not nearly as tasty as their deep fried
brethren but sometimes you just have to mix things up to add a little
spice to life.
The row with chips sat high on the top of the snack shelves. After
inserting the exact change and pressing ‘A1′ into the keypad my semi
edible treat was released from its corkscrew prison.
As it fell on its way to freedom it landed on a shiny foiled package.
The impact dislodged the unknown item and it fell into the receiving
bin along with my chips.
It was the last one of its kind so it was a mystery as to what the
vending gods had bestowed upon me.
As I reached in and pulled out two items, I realized my ‘bonus’ item
was cookies.
Now they were just vanilla wafers but you can’t be upset when cookies
just fall into your lap.
I quickly left the break room now paranoid that by some freak chance
the vending machine service guy would appear and he would know by
looking at my guilty face that I had acquired two snacks for the price
of one.
It has been just over two years since opening a Netflix account. Overall it has been an outstanding service. For the most part I have no complaints, except one small one.
He spends his days with his dog hunting deer in the middle of the empty streets of the city. At night he has to hide from the mutant humans. Daddy keeps calling them zombies but I have to correct him. There is a huge difference.
Ah, the fruits of zero tolerance in a post 9-11 world have given us this bit of insanity.
Today’s quote of the day comes thanks to 
